Asanshol, 29th Feb 2013:
In a move that stinks of genius, some politicians are coming up with a brilliant idea to tackle all medical-related issues plaguing the country: forcing open a Medical College in every district. Not to let go of this opportunity to extort votes, a southern, highly progressive state has already made
reckless decisive moves to implement this asap.
Mr Eediopathy Godsaveaiyyo, a health ministry insider, gave us this free-wheeling interview over a couple of pegs.
Q. Sir, we heard that…
(1st peg) Yes, we are launching the ‘One MBBS Doctor in Every Family’ scheme.
You see, the country sorely needs doctors. Though educated people say that 50,000 doctors are being added to the current mess of lakhs of unemployed doctors each year, we insist that the country will be perpetual medical crises due to shortage of hands. That is because most of the doctors are selfish and are only interested in studying higher and higher and higher and higher, say, till the age of 40 or 45 at least. Can you believe it?! The self-centered chaps prefer to sit and study!
So if we have a Medical College in all the districts, we expect these areas to be robustly staffed, even if the medical colleges and facilities are only on paper.
Q. About the trend of the public attacking doctors in spite of it being no fault of theirs- will opening more medical colleges cure this trend?
(2nd peg) Yes, definitely. The attacks are due to a lack of understanding within the public into what goes into the the making of a doctor and their noble intentions.
With the one-doctor-per-family norm, we expect to nurture this awareness among them. The person undergoing the medical training will sensitize his family to the inhuman rigors that a medical student goes through. Later on, when the family realises that the doctor among them is hopelessly substandard- in spite of the extreme hard work by their own child- their expectations from better doctors will also come down automatically.
This ’empathisation’ will decrease the incidence of doctors being butchered every now and then.
Q. Is there any guarantee this plot will work?
(3rd peg, slurs) Yes, there is proven precedence.
Years ago, we had embarked on a “One-Engineer-per-family” programme. There was a boom in private engineering colleges. The result is, now every family in the country has a mobile phone and a vehicle. Looking ahead, we’re sure they’ll soon develop a way to get drinking water and two square meals a day.
Similarly, our “one-MBA-per-family” programme has also given
us great returns. As a result of our private centers doling out MBAs, even clerks in banks and cashiers in shopping malls are MBAs now.
I remember when I had dropped out of school after standard 4th, the BPL rate was at a mind-numbing 32.420 percent. Now after 2 decades, the BPL rate is only 31.840 percent.
No one goes hungry because our people know how to sell and buy a full meal for just 5 bucks all over the country.
[Neta-speech mode ON:] “With a Doctor in every family, we will soon see an extremely health-efficient India. No one will get sick. No one will die anymore. In case anyone even sneezes, the doctor from that family will be tried under strict draconian laws. No one will escape the law, unlike political progeny and spoilt Follywood bigshots.
Imagine this- when MBBS doctors will be employed as consultant sweepers and consultant watchmen, the hygiene and hospitals’ security-related services will be top-notch in no time! Obviously, thousands of jobs will be created. The economy will boom, and fiscal deficit will come down. We will be a super-power (hic)!
Q. Why not open new colleges for alternative medicine?
(4th peg, slurrrs) (Smiles) I’m glad you caught that. That’s where our brilliance really comes in.
Though a few alternative medicine practitioners are respectably true to their pathy, several lobbies from these streams are pushing hard for “rights” to prescribe allopathic medicines after they pass their whatever courses. In any case, several among them are illegally prescribing allopathy medicines only, with zilch idea of what works or their risks.
Simply by legalising their illegal practices, they can
mint serve in peace and keep our share coming. And with our decision to open only allopathy colleges, these minor niggles and ego clashes will be totally avoided in the first place. It’s an awesome strategy.
We will take maximum efforts to ensure that prescriptions from all doctors across the country should be uniformly disgusting.
Q. How and where will these doctors do specialization courses?
(5th peg, sllluuurrrrs) We have started PG courses in almost every Private Medical College.
You see, we’ve kept the Government colleges out of this PG seat mess. The private seats are auctioned off for rates between 1-4 crores. It is an exploding market already. With thousands of more doctors coming up from the Govt side, the demands for our sale-able PG seats is bound to shoot through the roof. The resultant haggling will enhance the income and job-opportunities of our starving politicians who will get higher shares from the business. We already have let loose hundreds of committed brokers all over the country to facilitate the processes.
Q. Sir, why not train existing doctors in delivering decent, safe primary care?
There’s little money in it. The private PG seats won’t sell. Common man will get cheap healthcare. We’ll lose money (Angrily) The need of the hour is cardiac surgeons, cardiac surgeons and cardiac surgeons. Not doctors who prevent cardiac deaths. Get your basics right!
(His well-trained PA takes out a sticker resembling a 1000 currency note, presumably to stick over his boss’s mouth, in case he looks he’ll reveal anything further).
Q. Are the Medical Associations happy with this?
(Last sip) (Slurrrrr……hic, hic, almost dozing off)
They have no choice. Like any well meaning group of individuals would do, most doctors are protesting regarding the quality of teaching and infrastructure in our co-called tin roofed colleges, but thankfully at present, they have no voice.
And for those who make some noise- we are considering various ways to silence them. Its easy to gag Doctors’ freedom of speech!
But soon, with doctors teeming like flies, these bloody nerds will soon be an influential minority vote bank. Then we’ll consider whether they’re worth listening to….
Q. Er..Sir, before
you pass out we sign off: Coming back to a previous question- what about the current bunch of doctors without decent work or any pay?
And that is how, my dears, major decisions are made!
Disclaimer: This is satire. This is an imaginary, cooked up story, based on a few news articles, though the news articles are presumably based on facts. They have been fairly acknowledged in the embedded links. No disrespect intended. Any further resemblance to real life happenings is co-incidental.
Any of the above &%#$ turning out to be true in future may also be considered entirely co-incidental. The author will deny any allegations of being a clairvoyant in case they come up 🙂